Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
