I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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