it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
only you would photoshop your dick
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
