Whod you bang
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
