Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Sober January is a disaster.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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