just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
3pm strippers are depressing
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I don't deserve a penis
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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