You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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