Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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