I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
