Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize