Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
