For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
im holly from the hills drunk
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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