I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
