The maid of honor just puked.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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