when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
