and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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