Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
