Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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