I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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