If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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