Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
