My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
