i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
