I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize