I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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