Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
