I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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