Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
