Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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