I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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