I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
