if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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