Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
