Umm I'm too high to move.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
