the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Randomize
