I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
try to milk me bitch
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