guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
