my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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