ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He passed out mid-signature
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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