I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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