drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
