I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
