Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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