we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
what the fuck happened to the tacos
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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