drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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