Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Randomize
