BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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