I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
