I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
