I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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