hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize