i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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