Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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