His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
